So... What is this doing on a Masonic Blog? Well, the simple truth is that I had no where else to stick it. Oh well.
I remember so many Saturday mornings when I was young, and my mother would drop me off at the library. I would walk in and be surrounded by all those books - all of that knowledge - just waiting to be discovered and explored. I felt like a kid in a candy store.
I could sit there on the floor with piles of books at my side. I would lose myself for hours. One book would lead to another, and another, and another. So much to explore and understand - to make mine -for free! I loved reading.
As a student, I wasn't much - math didn't make sense to me. I got lost in the easiest problems. I now know that at that time, I simply couldn't deal with abstractions. Four and five added together made nine, but why? It just didn't make sense. If I tried to hold more than one number in my head at any one time, it would just drop into blackness. I still have trouble with math, but I've learned little tricks to make most math necessities doable.
I had the same problem trying to understand something so profoundly basic that I doubt many people would empathize. I wanted to know what was going on. I mean now, here, reality! What is it that is happening?
Are you familiar with this drawing?
This is what I wanted to do - to "look behind the screen." It became my life's obsession.
When I look at my bookshelves I see the "breadcrumbs" that I've dropped behind while wandering through this mystery - life. The shelves are filled with books on nature, psychology, history, philosophy, religion, hypnosis, myth... All of them devoured in an attempt to find out more. Was there a clue? I wanted to understand, and I was sure that the answer was out there, but that no one had put it together. I had to piece the puzzle together and tear the fabric of reality. I needed to look behind the curtain.
I had been raised a Catholic. They did a good job. I was afraid of their god and of breaking their rules. I was a true believer. But it didn't take long to see the contradictions. I couldn't understand how anyone could believe such nonsense. At first, I thought it was me, but the struggle was enough to create a crack, and soon the crack between the Catholic church and I widened into a formidable chasm that would never close.
Strangely enough, It wasn't until I began reading about the church that I was finally able to "re-wash my brain."
To tell the truth, I was amazed at how much information is readily available on the mythology that the Christian religion is based on. It's a wonder that more people don't try to read about their church. Everyone seems content to simply read about the myth. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain," just watch the smoke and mirrors."
Anyway, I wanted to share with you what I discovered so far. My search has been long, but - I feel - fruitful. But first, a caveat - there's so much I can't share. Not because I don't want to, but because I found that it isn't the answer that means much, but the search. You see, questions aren't resolved by answers, but by experience. Also, whatever answer you do find is personal - yours alone.
My questions, shaped by my life and experiences (and my search), would never be the same as yours. My answers (and experiences) will never be yours. I know, it's disappointing. I too wanted someone to give me the answer. There was a time when I thought that one answer fit all. I don't think that's true anymore. No one can do my search, and I can't do yours. The all-knowing guru (or priest) is a fanciful idea. Has he lived your life? No? Then he can't have your answers.
I can, however, point out a direction. If you wish to explore it, I believe that you'll find it a fruitful venture. It requires a different mindset than the one most people carry.
What I've come to find remarkable is the consideration that both the earth and man are composed of the same very few elements. We indeed are "of the earth." In fact, most living things are of similar compositions. That is remarkable, don't you think?
But more remarkable is that everything we see was initially hydrogen and helium atoms that through a process of time, pressure, and heat became all of the other elements that make up everything we are surrounded by.
Every plurality was once a singularity. How could this be? How could an apple, a shark, a rock, a cloud, a tree, a moth, a baby - originally come from the same thing? What is it that happened (and what is happening at this moment) that could possibly lead to such a thing? How could a living creature formed from the very same elements which comprise the dust of the earth, have thoughts?
What is behind such a magnificent curtain? What formed a lake, or a snowfall, or a sunset - or a galaxy, and then created man, an intelligence, to contemplate it all? Forget, for the moment, the idea of there being a god or a cause of any sort. Forget trying to make sense of it. Just let the fantastic take hold for a moment.
Allow yourself a small space of time to wonder. Magnificence doesn't need a god. Whatever is at play is using your eyes to contemplate itself.
You are the universe experiencing itself. And it is happening right now... At this very moment... As you read the next word... You are the universe contemplating itself!
Creation, movement, evolvement is happening. It doesn't flow around you. It isn't outside of you. You are part and parcel of the whole event! We marvel at what is before us and forget to marvel at what part we play (and are playing) in whatever this is! It a very large way, we ARE the curtain, and at the same moment, we are also the person trying to see what it is we are.
Contemplating this fulfills a part of my question. Not the thoughts themselves, but the changed world-view that they have led to. Not something to read and consider, but something that I've made mine over the course of my search. For me, it has intoxicating meaning. To you? It is your search, your question, your experience. Have fun with it. You are the search itself, the searcher, and ultimately, that which is happening. You are the event unfolding, and you are the answer itself.
